Roasted and Toasted: Mick on Parko

5 Dec 2018 4 Share

Pic: Billabong

Pic: Billabong

The Surfing World Joel Parkinson Special Edition is now on sale. Grab a copy here, right now. (Fits into a Chrissy stocking really nicely!) 

Mick Fanning: "I’ve got the one. He’s going to hate me for this, but it’s an amazing story. Me, Joel, Shagga and Hedgey all went up to Ireland a few years ago. We stopped in and saw my family. We took boards but we weren’t surfing, we were there for a piss up mainly. Earlier in the trip we’d been in Portugal and France and because I didn’t like the breakfast in Portugal I was only eating bread and eggs. By the time we got to France I thought my appendix was bursting, so I went to hospital where they told me no, you’re just constipated.

Anyway, we’ve gone on to Ireland and we’re at the airport having a Guinness and Joel asks me, “What did it feel like when you’re constipated?”

I said, “Mate, it’s just a bad pain in the guts.”

He goes, “I think I’m constipated then. I haven’t taken a shit in five days.” 

We were up with my family and were about to drive down to Galway for a couple of days partying. I’ve gone to see my great aunt and my godfather and the boys have gone to do some shopping and Joel goes, “I’m going to the chemist and getting some laxatives.” They’ve gone into the chemist and there’s a really cute girl and Joel’s lurking around the aisles trying to find the laxatives while being real incognito about it, and Hedgey barges in and yells at the top of his lungs in his worst Irish accent ever, “Excuse me, love! You don’t know where the laxatives are? My friend here hasn’t taken a shit in days!” Joel has gone bright red, so embarrassed, and just yelled, “Shut up, Hedgey!”

They’ve bought the laxatives and the instructions were to take two at night and Joel goes, “Nah, I’m taking two right now.” We were about to go on a four-hour drive and he’s popped two. Halfway down to Galway we’ve stopped in for lunch and a Guinness and just before our meal arrives Joel has got this look on his face and he goes, “Oh god” and just runs for the toilet. He’s in the toilet and he reckons he was like Harry in Dumb and Dumber. He’s in there for ages and we’re finishing our beers and Hedgey looks at me and he goes, “You know what we should do?” and I looked at him and go, “No mate, you can’t.” And he goes, “Yes we can.”

Joel comes out of the toilet and as he walks out and there’s a nine-year-old kid waiting for the toilet and Joel goes, “I’m so sorry, mate.” He gets back to the table and we start geeing Joel up, going, “Hurry up and drink your beer, mate. We need to get on the road.” He’s necked his beer and got to the bottom and here’s these two dissolved laxative tablets sitting in the bottom of the glass. He just went white and yelled, “You pricks!”

We’ve jumped in the car and we got to Galway and checked into the hotel and Joel’s dancing around going, “I’ve got to check in quick... this is heavy!” He’s sprinted up to his room and we didn’t see him for hours. He kept sending me messages from the bathroom saying, “I can’t get out of here!” So we went off to another pub and he shows up half an hour later looking half his normal size. He sits down and takes half a sip and then goes, oh god, and bolts for the toilet again in one of the seediest pubs in Galway. For the next three hours we’re doing a pub crawl through Galway and Joel’s doing a toilet crawl.

We’ve gone to this one nightclub to finish up the night and Joel’s in the toilet again and he’s about to walk back into the club through these big swinging doors just as they turn the lights on and everyone spills outside. Hedgey has run out the door as Joel was walking in, and Joel’s been pinned against the wall by the door as the whole nightclub spills out onto the street. He couldn’t get out, he’s stuck in there, and there was this circular glass window and you could see his face there and his nose being squashed and him yelling.

Anyway, we bailed back to the hotel and me and Shagga are in one room and Hedgey and Parko are in the other. Hedgey’s going, “Let’s have one more drink, boys. Let’s have a nightcap!” Me and Shagga have snuck out and locked our door. Joel is exhausted and jumped into bed in the nude to go to sleep, but Hedgey has poured two rums anyway, going, “C’mon Joel, get up have a rum with me!” Joel’s telling Hedgey to go to sleep, so Hog has picked up the glass and thrown rum all over Joel in bed. Joel has got up and it’s on, they’re wrestling. Joel’s nude, fully like the scene out of Borat. Hedgey is standing by the door and Joel is running at him at full speed to tackle him then just as Joel gets there Hedgey has opened the door, moved out of the way like a matador, and Joel has run straight past him out into the hallway. In a split second Hedgey has closed the door and locked it. Joel’s now outside in the nude banging on the door and Hedgey’s inside going, “Nah mate, sorry, you should have had a drink with me!” Joel is locked out and all of a sudden the elevator goes bing and this couple get out and here’s Joel’s in the foetal position sitting by the door. Hedgey just left him out there. Joel eventually had to go down to reception in the nude and get another key to get back in." 

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