White Caps: J-Bae Stole My Milk Money

21 Jul 2017 0

Pale Denton

Almost Fired

COASTALWATCH | WHITE CAPS

J-Bae Stole My Milk Money

The last time I saw natural light was eight days ago, as the hooter sounded day one of the Corona Open and I convinced a pizza delivery person to feed my order – slice by slice – through the mail flap of the front door. Why? To preserve my creamy pigment from that deathstar known as “The Sun." But disaster struck as the last slice fumbled out of the box and onto the doormat. The delivery pleb ran for his life – but I knew the rules – “leave no slice behind.” I pledged then and there that the margherita family would not be separated. I would have no choice but to go outside.

So out I crept into the ultraviolet death zone like an albino chimp, where the slice lay glued to the floor. With the door ajar, I clawed it back from the greedy clutches of ants, lizards, rogue cats and my neighbour – a successful rescue misson. I returned to the couch triumphant, with the cheesy goods cradled in my palms safe and sound. I flicked on the livecast and as Strider’s bronzed mug blurted from the screen I began to shove pizza into my head. Then something jumped... “Woah was that a shark?” I exclaimed, pointing a finger at whatever it was. It was then I noticed the shade of beige seared along my index finger... I'd been struck! A solar tattoo on my precious cups of Yoplait! No amount of ten point rides can fix this! Was my indoor couch-surfing career ruined? You decide. Here’s the caps...

Shark!

Sharks and J-Bay go together like zinc on suncream. We were treated to two this year: the breachy kind, and the stalky kind. Breaching means sun exposure, and that’s one thing I won’t stand for. Unless there’s a parasol wedged in it’s teeth.

Kelly's Moon Boot

Does his boot contain telekinetic tube riding powers? Will Slater ever slide his heels back into the white wetsuit? Shamon Kelly!

John John's 10

What a scoresheet! Pure paper.

FREDERICO MORAIS’ 10 BEATS JOHN JOHN

Freddy went Ahab on this round, chucking a big ivory harpoon at those chalky drop wallets to mark out an X and lance the white whale pup once and for all!

FILIPE TOLEDO’S DOUBLE OOP

Sean Doherty described him as the Ninja poet. Ninja is one half of Die Antwoord. Die Antwoord haven’t been to a solarium in 15 years. See what I’m saying?

JORDY SMITH’S PERFECT HEAT

The peak of the double digits. Anything else was just white noise.

SAFETY BOAT DOES HIGHLINE TRIM

Were they really on shark patrol? Or was this some sort of Corona highline attempt? Either way this stunt is more milky than Snowy Mcallister.

CAP OUT:

So what did we learn this week? You won’t get burnt watching surfing on the internet. Stay inside honkies.

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